12 things the book: 'The Courage to Be Disliked' teaches us about living a bold and liberated life

One of the books that has made the greatest impression on me is Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga's The Courage to Be Disliked.

I bought it in a Tokyo department store back in 2015 as soon as I read the cover.

The book unfolds as a conversation between a mentor and a younger person, and much is rooted in Adlerian philosophy.

Here are twelve things the 10-million copy selling book taught me which made the most significant impact on my life:

1. Life Is Not Determined by the Past

Adlerian philosophy rejects the idea that past experiences dictate your future.

Instead, it argues that the meaning you assign to those experiences shapes your present actions. It's not about what happened to you but how you choose to interpret and use those events.

Understanding this immediately frees you in the present.

2. Happiness Comes From Contribution

Adler believed that happiness is tied to your sense of contribution to others or the broader community.

Whether through small acts of kindness, creative work, or offering help, contributing allows you to feel connected and purposeful.

As I always say, if you're stuck, feel rejected, or need a sense of meaning, find ways to make others happy.

3. Separation of Tasks

Stress often arises from meddling in others' responsibilities or worrying about things outside your control.

Adler emphasised separating your tasks from those of others — focusing only on what you can control.

For anything that overwhelms you, ask, 'Is this within my control?' If it isn't, breathe and move on to what is.

4. You Are Not the Center of the Universe

The need to be liked often stems from feeling overly self-conscious.

We direct a lot of energy to ourselves because we hate the idea of looking foolish or being rejected. Confidence grows when you no longer rely on external validation.

This comes from seeing how we're all connected in our sameness.

Focus on creating genuine connections with others instead.

5. The Courage to Be Disliked

The book's cornerstone is the idea that living authentically will inevitably attract criticism. True freedom comes from being unapologetically yourself, even if it means some people won't like you.

This is a simple idea, but it's incredibly liberating. You have permission to be yourself, even if that doesn't make everyone else feel good.

Take bold steps towards your dreams and values. Your worth is not tied to others' opinions.

6. Trauma Does Not Dictate Your Future

Adlerian philosophy challenges the belief that trauma permanently determines your life's trajectory.

This is a controversial take in the modern age.

While past events shape your experiences, they do not have the power to define your future unless you allow them to.

According to Adler, we use our memories selectively to justify our current goals or inaction.

Confidence and your sense of agency grow when you realise that the future is shaped by the meaning and direction you choose today, not by what happened years ago.

7. All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

Adler believed that our biggest challenges (even all) stem from relationships' struggles — whether it's seeking approval, dealing with rejection, or managing conflict.

We suffer in relationships because we believe that others' judgements have a real impact on our self-worth.

They do not. 'Self-worth' is only a concept. Knowing this sets you free.

8. Happiness Requires Courage

Adler argued that joy and fulfilment are reserved for those willing to take risks and make changes.

Clinging to comfort zones might feel safe but stifles growth.

Each bold action you take, no matter how small, strengthens your confidence and brings you closer to authentic happiness.

9. Your Value Is Not Defined by Success

Adler reminds us that personal worth is intrinsic in a world obsessed with external achievements.

Your value lies in who you are, not in what you accomplish.

Reframing your perspective on success can free you from unnecessary pressure and comparison.

Joy comes from recognising that you are enough, and confidence is built on celebrating progress over perfection.

10. You Can Choose a New Goal

Adler emphasised that life is goal-oriented.

If you're unhappy, it's often because your current goals are misaligned with your values or desires.

Regularly evaluate your goals and ensure they align with what matters to you most.

11. Feelings of Inferiority Are a Choice

Adler said that inferiority complexes arise from unnecessary comparisons.

Instead of using others as a yardstick, you can choose to focus on your unique strengths and progress.

Use others as a source of inspiration rather than comparison.

And if that still brings you grief, turn away from what others are doing and focus on the progress you are making. You're on your own path.

12. The Power of Community

Adler believed that the feeling of belonging is central to joy and resilience.

Isolation, both physical and emotional, can lead to dissatisfaction and insecurity.

I love to spend a lot of time alone. I need it. But I also make sure that I am developing and keeping in touch with the community around me.

Cultivate relationships in a way that matches your personality.

None of us are immune from the need for regular social interaction.

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