Seven strange little hacks that make you instantly more socially confident
I’ve continually said that lasting freedom from unnecessary anxieties and social fears lies in developing a practice of letting go of unhelpful thoughts.
That’s foundational.
Sometimes, however, it helps to have more superficial ‘hacks’ in the toolbox, which we can use to loosen up as needed.
Here are some fun ones:
Slow down everything.
One of the best pieces of advice I got about social anxiety was to slow down my talking.
Nervousness can spark us into speeding things up to compensate for our feeling out of control.
Slowing down our speech, breath, and movements brings you into the present.
Take three long slow breaths, for example. It makes life easier because we do not have to process so much.
When we move slow, our thoughts slow too, which is vital because fast thoughts are at the heart of anxiety.
Imagine people as hairless chimps.
Or some variation on other people as less than frightening.
It’s a funny vision and one that’s not far from the truth.
How we see things has an immediate impact on our experience of others.
If we view people as dangerous sources of stress and judgement, we’ll feel the reality of those thoughts.
If we see that people are really harmless — as worried and flawed as you are — there’s a lot less to be concerned about.
Walk fractionally taller.
Small shifts can go a long way.
Our self-perception takes cues from our physical movements and stances. It’s a loop.
Walk and move as though you’re calm and happy.
Have fun with this. Be a little ridiculous.
Turn the confidence meter up and down and see how it makes you feel.
You can hijack your thinking and kickstart more positive thoughts without effort. It starts in your physical demeanour. Lean in.
Be the confident version of you without thinking about it, and that’s who you’ll be.
Stop trying to be confident.
The sheer act of ‘trying’ anything — trying to be someone you’re not — only emphasises the reality that you are not there yet.
Trying to do something ensures you will do it self-consciously.
Self-consciousness diminishes your performance instantly, which makes you less confident.
This is why you need to take advice on how to be confident with a pinch of salt.
Absorb the ideas and understand what confidence looks and feels like. But then drop it all.
Relax into not needing to do anything, and you will find your confidence flow out.
Find one thing you like about someone.
Many of us get socially anxious because we’re thinking obsessively about how we come across.
‘Do I look weird?’
‘Can they see my sweat?’
‘I just said something dumb — I knew it!’
Of course, you’ll be nervous when the spotlight is directly pointed at you, and you’re frying in the heat like a bug.
Change it around.
Ask the question — ‘what do I like about people/this person?’
This instantly gets you curious, with your attention elsewhere.
When attention is on something else, your anxiety drops.
Belly shuddering.
Many of our tension and — I believe — our worries — are trapped in the belly and hips.
We know this because it’s a normal human response to lock our stomachs when we feel scared as a safety mechanism to protect our guts from punches.
So we can create unnecessary tension when afraid.
This is the last thing you want because to be relaxed and creative and enjoy yourself requires looseness.
Find a moment to stand up, lean back and breath in and out of your belly. You’ll find it begins to shake as you breathe out.
Try different positions.
Shake your arms out. Dance.
Thrust your hips like a degenerate chimp on Spring Break.
Watch your tension release and your joy return.
Initiate more.
If we move through our day acting as though we’re trying to avoid human interaction like a frightened bunny rabbit, what does that do to our self-perception?
That’s right. It reinforces the reality that you’re not social.
None of us is not social. It’s in your head.
You need to start flexing that social muscle and shifting the image you have of being disconnected.
In fact, my nervousness around people growing up — I’ve since learned — is the direct result of me taking connection seriously. I wanted to connect.
I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be social. We all do.
So start taking small steps to become more social, like reaching out to people, starting conversations, complimenting people, and asking questions.
Take steps slowly if you need to.
Just send a text to start.
Re-ignite the interest and sense of connection you have for others. They’re not so bad.
Watch your confidence return.
It was there all along.
These help, but there’s one thing stopping most from being more effortlessly confident: internal self-respect.
I know because I struggled to get anywhere in my twenties, and couldn’t figure out the bottleneck until I realised it was a self-identity issue.
Learn the 25 little daily habits I use that reinforce a powerful identity of self-respect in achievable daily steps.
My book shows you how (comes with 3 awesome bonuses):
Get the Art of Self Respect book bundle here.
“One of the best self-help books I’ve read in a long time. Alex exposes, in a clear and concise manner, the behaviors we should study, practice, and adopt to develop better self-respect. This, in turn, leads to earning respect from others.” - Jean Pierre
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