Are you too nice?

Here's how being less 'fake' nice can change your life...

Made in MidJourney.

Untethered Mind, Thursday Edition, 4-min read.

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“By trying to please everyone, Nice Guys often end up pleasing no one — including themselves.” - Robert Glover

Oh my goodness, Alex - how can you be so morose?

Advising people to be less nice is another one for which I've often received criticism (and abrupt unfollows).

Really, what I mean is to stop being 'fake' nice.

There is a distinction.

If you're the kind of person who doesn't feel the need to change too much when you're with others, in an effort to please, you can probably skip this part. But if you often find yourself using 'niceness' to gain approval, read on.

Many of us grow up developing the idea that we will be rewarded for being nice to people and ensuring we please everybody.

But as we enter adulthood, this approach isn't always met with the enthusiasm we desire. Often, without even realising it, we can put on a facade of niceness to cover up our perceived inadequacies. We force niceness in a bid to avoid confrontation. Why?

Because to be rejected or to invite disagreement would hurt. It hurts us more when we believe there is something wrong with us.

This is why we lose respect for ourselves when we pretend to be someone we're not, even if it conceivably maintains harmony around us.

It doesn't. First, if we're putting on a front of 'nice' and don't really mean it, we know we're not being ourselves and denying our true expression. Secondly, most other people know when we're being deceptive in our fronting. It doesn't seem authentic.

Most people can sense this.

For example, take smiling. Smiling less often comes across as more genuine, particularly in an uptight society where many people are desperate to please others and force out wide grins.

I stand by this, but of course, it's not the kind of statement that applies to every social situation, every cultural situation, and for everyone as a blanket statement.

Nuances, nuances, nuances.

Without getting too obsessive about this idea, don't always feel the need to smile, especially if it isn't coming up naturally for you. When we occasionally put a break on that fake smile, we're showing what we really feel, for one. That is authentic.

If you must smile, of course, smile, but don't force it. This is a habit and a practice that reflects who we really are unmasked.

This is healthy.

You aren't forcing things, and you will come across as more natural while simultaneously feeling less self-pressure. This is what I mean.

When we don't always smile, and others expect us to smile and titter, we are unexpected. Being surprising like this is interesting.

It is intriguing and gets people thinking. It also clearly signals this: I don't change to please people.

I smile as I please. I am my own person. This signals authenticity, and authenticity rarely fails to garner respect.

Think about some of your favourite role models, actors, CEOs, and leaders.

Do the ones who don't play nice all the time, if at all, interest you in some way?

So, experiment with this. When you don't feel like forcing your behaviour for others, don't press it. Be a challenge sometimes. Be strong and sit with the occasional discomfort of silence.

This isn't always rude. It can be electrifying.

Where we've been brought up to believe that certain behaviours will draw dislike, the opposite is often true.

Most of the planet is under the zombie-like drive to fit in and not rock the boat.

That's what society instils in most of us. So it can feel very strange going against that grain.

Ultimately, a lot of this is about relaxing and not feeling the pressing need to act and be a certain way to appease anyone else or gain validation.

This kind of behaviour, in a world that's trying so hard to impress and please and fit in — is a rebellious act.

I don't know, but the last time I checked, rebellion was kinda sexy?

Am I right?

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ACTION STEP:

Be a rebel.

Experiment with easing into your natural state of being without trying so hard to be, act, or express yourself in a certain way. 

Be nice when you want to be nice, from a place in you that is real and true. But don't feel the need to force it.

This can take courage at first. It's a habit.

Try it.

Be kind, but don't be so nice.

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