Why we’re spending more time alone, and what to do about it

Untethered Mind, Friday Edition, 5-min read.

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More and more people worldwide are clocking more hours alone, which is accelerating.

For example, in 2019, it was reported that 35.7 million Americans lived alone, representing 28% of all American households. This is up from 7.7% of households in 1940.

And this number is steadily increasing.

There are several reasons for this trend:

• A widening cultural acceptance of being, traveling and living alone, and more people feel less stigma around spending more time alone.

• Changes in attitudes to marriage, dating and a gender war force more people to side-step relationships.

• The proliferation of liberal and/or socialist big government policies in more places means more people see the option to rely on government support. This negates the security once afforded by nuclear families, and more people are willing to set out alone.

• Increased prevalence of mental illness, which can be a spiral leading to more aloneness.

• Declining interest in organised religion as a means to bind communities.

• More of us are choosing to work over having a family earlier, meaning more singles.

• AI and robotics technology will push people out of work and fill the need for human connection over time.

• Technological changes and logistical efficiencies brought about through new technologies, such as Uber Eats and Zoom, mean more people are able to more comfortably live alone.

• A growing preference for remote working and a general disenchantment with work in group environments and offices.

What a pleasant picture this all paints, huh!

For many of us, being alone more of the time is a choice, often if we’re an introvert.

How can we ensure we make the most of the next few decades, whether loners by choice or not?

As I always say, aloneness is not the same thing as loneliness.

Loneliness happens when you judge your situation as unfavourable and thus feel the emotional payload of such criticism. Aloneness is a state of being and shouldn’t be viewed as positive or negative.

‘I’m lonely’ is emotionally charged.

‘I’m alone’ is not (or needn’t be).

So, that’s the first way to manage solitude healthily — to see it for what it is and let go of the critical judgement we can place on being alone, which exasperates any sense of misery attached to it.

Relax and find self-compassion. Find a way to view solitude more positively if you do not already.

Here are some other ideas:

Join a group of like-minded people.

It may require a push to find a group event, class, conference, or meet-up for you to join. The Internet gives us many opportunities here.

It isn’t expected to be easy, but you’ll benefit from the sense of joy that comes from taking courage, regardless of the outcome.

Reach out to people you already know.

I get it; many people you feel should reach out to you.

Even if it feels awkward, get conversations going again with people in your circle. You needn’t expect anything in return, and these connections won’t yield fruit immediately.

Your network is an asset. Nurture it often.

Language-exchange.

Find people in your area who want to learn English and arrange to meet them for practice.

I did this when I moved to Tokyo and made several great friends that way.

Get a dog or sit for others.

A dog might not be a human company, but your hairy chum will provide company and give you something to take care of.

Run a workshop, retreat or group.

Start your own online meet or offline group around something you can teach, or something that attracts like-minded interest.

There are a million ways to bring people together these days.

Build a personal brand.

One of the best cures to loneliness is to go out and be active with projects.

A brand takes the attention off yourself and towards building a group of people around you who follow your ideas and respect you for what you regularly create.

Like your inner network, a brand and an audience are major, long-term assets that will pay you and open you up to opportunities and human support.

Find a mission.

Your mission doesn’t need to be some grandiose change-the-world thing. It can be simply an exciting goal you set for yourself for the next six months.

Have an objective that takes you out of yourself and into a project that has you contributing somehow.

Create things on and off the screen.

If we’re depressed, we’re usually in a reactive mode.

We see ourselves at the mercy of life, and we feel powerless. This is the exact opposite state of being creative.

Find something to create — anything — a poem, an article, a new friendship, a ceramic bowl. If you lack the knowledge, first learn.

Create something fresh, and you’ll start to shift your depressed identity.

Give yourself regular challenges.

We often feel stuck or listless because life has become too comfortable.

What you might need most is a challenge.

This doesn’t mean running out into the path of a tornado, but it might mean setting yourself a 30-day challenge to write a short book or talk to people every day, for example.

Become a coach.

I have rarely felt lonely since I started working one-on-one with people worldwide from the comfort of my home.

Although I was never formally trained as a life coach, this work now provides my bread and butter income while giving me an opportunity to work closely with people.

Feel free to share your ideas on overcoming loneliness in the comments.

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